Wounds are my Wisdom...
So I guess that there is always a first time. I share many first times with the whole human race. The first time you open your eyes. The first time that you take a breath. Your first steps as a young child. The first time that you remember truly being scared of something. How about the first time you experienced being made fun of? The first time you wrote your name or counted to 100! I really do remember that! As I am writing this I am running through so many different years of my life. I can remember the first time I was introduced to GOD. I remember being given my first bible. Are you following me on all of these first times? Many of the ones I have mentioned so far are the first times as a baby or young person, of course. How about the first time you were dumped?...or like me dump the guy first because there is no way in hell I am going to be dumped! LOL. The first time you chose to drink alcohol or smoke a cigarette? And, if you were anything like me, after the first time of experiencing that you say to yourself, "I am never doing that again"...Yeah right!!
I could go on and on about so many of the first times. But have you ever experienced a first time and the last time in the very same moment? Now think about that...an event or experience in your life that can only happen one time and then it will never ever happen again. If you can think of one, it more than likely was a huge awakening for you! These types of experiences usually have the ability to allow us to change the path we are on or as some will put it "awake" within us that we just cannot help allow to completely re-shape our world.
The event in my life that allowed me to experience an awakening was a first time experience and the last time experience that I will never forget. Now with that being said, years later this life-shattering time was one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received. At the time I didn't know what to do or where to go. I didn't know how I was going to make it through another day in my life.
Some of you who are reading this may already know what I am talking about, and for all I know may even be saying "Oh, that story again." But yes, it is my story, and as I was lead by a #1 NYT Best Selling Author and Spirit Junkie, Gabby Bernstein, my goal this week was to be led to share. Share with everyone what my story is...what my purpose is. And as a result, I can only hope that my message will MOVE you to share yours and to move towards your purpose...your soul's true PURPOSE. With that being said, I need to say I AM SO GRATEFUL!!! This can be so powerful to hear. Read and share with one another what makes us who we are and what desires come out of 'all of this'.
So, let's just rewind to April of 2009. My husband and I found out that we were going to have a baby. It was the second time we found out that we were pregnant. We did not tell anyone, except, of course, I couldn't hold back from telling my best friend. So I called my mom! She was my matron of honor at my wedding in 2007. She taught me how to make chicken dumpling soup from scratch. My mother taught me how to laugh uncontrollably. She was the person I called when I just got home from partying for 3 days straight and I couldn't fall asleep because I was sleep deprived. She said, "just calm down and take some deep breaths. You will be okay." My mom was the one who would come to my job and ask "Will your boss just let you take the rest of the day off? We should go shopping because I need to paint my walls upstairs." My mom was the one who would holler so loud at the drive-through window, you know damn well the people on the other end were wondering 'WTF is up with this lady?!!' My mother was also the woman who loved children and was always taking care of them. I could go on and on about her for days, as we all could about someone who we love so much.
The day was June 6th, 2009, and on that day, my mother was diagnosed with a terminal disease. This "dis-ease", as doctor Len Horowitz would describe, was life-changing, to say the least. She was diagnosed stage 4, and as many of you know, this a stage that you do not want to be standing on. I don't think that I have cried more in all my life, as I did while she was going through this. Now looking back on the whole thing, I am thinking to myself 'what a horrible dream'.
As my mother battled, through the months to come, she was very weak. She wanted nothing more than to just have no pain. She called me one day and said "Nikki, I have something that I think you would be really good at. There is a special massage therapy training coming up, and you should sign up for the class. And if you decide you want to do this, I will pay for it." All I kept thinking is 'Well hell, I will do anything in my power to just take the pain away from her.' What an amazing gift to share with someone. At the time I was just surface thinking. I was not thinking for one second she wouldn't be here to experience what I had been taught.
I remember very clearly her voice and her words when she told me that "after my scan today, the 'dis-ease' in my body has now grown double in size from when they first found it." The feeling I felt at that very moment was so painful. Thinking back to it now, I feel like I would never be able to fake that feeling in my heart. It is so indescribable. I was so weakened by the news and didn't know what else to do but seclude myself and not allow anyone to break the barriers I was building up. As the next few weeks unfolded, it was only a matter of time as to what the outcome was. My mother had some bizarre yet satisfying requests in her last days. She is probably laughing as I share these request of hers. "Nik...please make sure that the hair that always grows out of the mole on my face is plucked out!" I thought 'I can do that.' "Nikki..will you please make sure that my toes nails are painted?" 'I can easily get that done' I thought. "Nikki..make damn sure that I am dead before they throw me in that furnace! I have watched way too many movies that someone wakes up in a furnace to be burned up, and I do not want that to happen!!" Yes...yes, I will make sure that will not happen.
Being able to share this journey with someone you love so much cuts right down to places you didn't know existed. In my mother's last days she held on so tight. She hugged and embraced as many people she could. She didn't want to give up. July 7, 2010, was the day I experienced something for the first time and the last time. It was beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. I lost my mother for the first time and the last time in that very moment. It has played such a major role in all of the decisions I have made since that day.
As I continue to grow in all life has to offer, I am being reminded, in subtle ways, how much my mother is still with all of us. As the years have passed and I continue to grow, I see and hear her every single day. Instead of honoring her death, I choose to honor her life and her presence within me...within my family and within so many other people whose lives she touched.
This is a shorter version of what the experience of my first and last was at that time. But the purpose of this blog is to share with people and to connect with whoever reads this. My mother left me some words of wisdom and one phrase that I always seem to always go back to: "No matter where you go, there you are." I love that! So, as I have it written on my arm in her honor...INFINITE BEGINNINGS. This dimension of what we recognize as LIFE is so very short. So when you find yourself in a place or situation when you just experienced something for the first time and for the last, remember you will never get it back. So, learn, grow, engage, be grateful, compassionate, loving and kind in all that you can. Remember to love people and use things because the opposite never works. As for me, I will honor her, my family and friends and myself with infinitely beginning a life-changing experience. Enjoy and #behappy people.
Nikki Moritz @ Zen Den Therapy of Sauk Centre, MN