Victim...I think not
The definition of victim: Victim playing (also known as playing the victim, victim card or self-victimization) is the fabrication of victimhood for a variety of reasons such as to justify abuse of others, to manipulate others, a coping strategy or attention seeking.
Do me a favor, read that definition above one more time. Can any of you see yourself in that definition? I can. Can any of you relate to a time in your life where you were consistently blaming your emotions, turmoil, and feelings on someone else? And then to justify your feelings seek the approval from others that how you are reacting is okay? Boy, I can most certainly relate to that!
I will never forget, about 15 years ago, I was talking with my mom about a misunderstanding between me and a close friend of mine. My friend was unfortunately in a relationship that was very toxic and she didn’t feel as if she could walk away. She shared with me that she was afraid because of some of the behaviors that her partner was showing, and of what might happen if she did leave. So what do I do? I told her to get the hell out!! Right? “Walk away,” I said. Along with “I wouldn’t put up with that sh**!” So I have been told, easier said than done. Well, being brought up in a family setting that wasn’t ideal, to say the least, I have an extremely low tolerance of continually being told ‘how bad this is and how bad that is’ and people just stay or even better, keep running back for more!!
So, what do I do? I confide in other people what my ‘judgments’ are of this whole situation. I think, let me re-phrase that, I KNOW that the reason I was taking this so personally is that I lived it. And of course, I care for my friend. But instead of being more supportive by just listening, I chose to share what I thought of the whole situation with others. When I shared what I thought, looking back on it now, I was creating this victim setting around myself because of things I experienced in the past. WRONG way to handle what was going on here!
So, now the telephone game starts happening. You know what that game is, right? You tell something to someone, they tell someone and then they tell someone. So on and so on until the story has gotten so out of hand by the time it gets back to me….well, you know the rest. In exaggeration, someone killed the dog and ate it for supper!! About as bad as it was! All of this better known as gossip has completely been blown out of proportion all because I chose to take the situation on a personal level and then victimize myself along the way!!
Are you not just exhausted reading this story because I find myself trying to catch my breath typing it! So by now, this exaggerated story has now gotten back to my friend. I am now being accused of saying that she told me her partner is beating her. WOW, I did not intend for that to happen. But that is what it has gotten to. First things first, I understand almost all the people in my life at that time were much younger. We were all learning mostly the consequences for our actions. Lessons I tell you, lessons.
So what do I do after being confronted of these accusations? Well, what any normal person would do! I tried my damnedest to justify what I shared by victimizing myself to seek attention in any way that I could. And why did I do that? Well, because I have been treated so poorly in the past that the right thing to do would be to treat other people poorly!
Really…isn’t that what it is all about? We must at any cost justify how we feel or have been treated by victimizing ourselves in order to seek attention! It doesn’t matter that this attention is negative, but at least it is attention! Again at the time, this did not make any sense to me. I think that many of us are brought up in a way that “at all cost do whatever you need to do in order to feel that you are right!!”
How about this next food for thought? Do any of you remember always being told: “say you're sorry”. And as an adult, we are just throwing that word around all the time. Sorry…OH, I am sorry…man, I feel so bad, I apologize.” And would you agree or disagree that most of the time, now think of this, we are apologizing because the person on the other side is choosing to take something personally? Or we think that they might just take it personally so I will make things better and say I am sorry! Kind of neurotic, wouldn’t you say? What does that word even mean? And when we use it, so loosely, does it even mean anything sincere?
I am here to say QUIT SAYING YOU'RE SORRY!! If you are genuinely are saying sorry for something you did because your intention was not from love, then yes apologize. But so often we are apologizing or taking responsibility for people's feelings and emotions when really the only person that has control over our own feelings is…DING DING DING, YOU!
So while you are trying to dig yourself out of the victim hole, do yourself a favor and stop victimizing others also by saying sorry for things you do not have any control over. It is their feelings, not yours, so quit taking ownership of something that does not belong to you! As I am writing this, a little voice in my head is saying “just breathe Nikki”. So, to sum it all up, this blog is titled “Victim…I Think Not”. Start thinking “Not”. For you, for them and you will start to see how things change for you. Bad things will happen, but you will start to realize how it doesn’t affect you the way it used to.
I read a daily meditation that was gifted to me from a dear friend, and today’s reading said the following…
~Acquaint yourself with the subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind acts on what you program into it, so that it becomes your automatic mind acting habitually. Decide on a habit that you would like to be automatic—be generous, for example. Tell yourself, I am a generous person. Give something away in a spirit of generosity, even if it's only a small coin or a word of encouragement. The more thoughts and actions you practice around your new I am, the more the subconscious mind will react in kind until eventually, it will act in generous ways out of a new habit that you've created. You have the power to impress upon the subconscious mind and I am of your choosing.~
This is the December 21st reading from "You Are What You Think” by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, a beloved author and known as “the father of motivation”. My hope from today’s entry is that it gets you thinking in a new direction. That it also starts a telephone effect of positive actions and self-improvement in you! That you can shift your thoughts to no-limit living and start to free yourself of your own limiting excuses. Stop being the victim and start being the beauty!
Blessings and #behappy
Nikki @ Zen Den Therapy